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Someone please buy me this book!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Okay I took this idea from my friend Natalie, but I seriously want to read this now.
He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I've been reading excerpts from it online, and each scenario is both funny and eye opening to me. Before I share with you the big eye opener for me (since you probably didn't hit that link anyway)... I want to preface it by saying, this is the end of my pursuit of GB. I sent him a message and a week later, even though I know he's seen it, has not replied. And I'll admit... I was feeling embarrassed, sorry for myself and feeling like I won the biggest loser contest (no, not the weight loss one). But this passage has finally helped me get over it.

The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse

Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?

Dear Nikki,
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you're the chosen one.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.

Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

Well, it's obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I'm talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn't frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn't worked at all. I've never had a successful relationship with a guy that I've pursued. I'm sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn't even get that far. They usually just don't ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn't make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

And let's not forget that my last relationship, although it lasted for five years, in the end it failed... and now people are telling me after the fact that they always felt I loved Benny more than he loved me, because I was the pursuer back in college.

But wait now, let's throw in another variable into the equation. I'm really considering signing up for an online dating thing. No not myspace, sillies, I'm talking legit stuff. i.e. Match.com or eHarmony. Now is that still considered being an aggressor?

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posted by Daphne @ 9:36 PM  
  • At 10:29 PM, Blogger Mormishmom said…

    I love this guy and everything he says is true. I don't think it's silly or being the aggresor to do EHarmony or match - it's the way of the times. People work so much it's hard to meet people other than those at work. OH! And I have a friend that swears by E-harmony and all that it stands for. She and her DH are a success story. She says to read the book first. You can get it at B&N.

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Rosie said…

    Daphne, I don't think the online thing means you are the pursurer. You are just putting yourself in a place and letting men know you are available. Much like going out to a public place and just meeting people.

    My sister has posted her profile and she waits until a guy shows interest (a cyber wink or an email) and then they exchange more information and only once did a progress to an actual date.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Charm School Reject said…

    I say KUDOS to you for putting yourself out there. I've heard great things about this book and how it has helped so many women. It's definitely a tough love success story.

    My sister and one of my bffs met their boyfriends on plentyoffish.com which is a free service, much like match.com. My friend's bff met her husband on eHarmony. Go for it!

  • At 3:36 PM, Blogger Rowena said…

    I read this book years ago and thought it was funny, I didn't read it for advice, I read it because it reminded me of one of my friends and I thought she'd get a kick out of it but I gave her the book and she never read it..and come to think of it, she still has this book.

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Name: Daphne
Home: California, United States
About Me: I love to read, especially romance books. I love to play, especially computer games and puzzles. I love to dance, especially lindy hop. I love my family and friends.
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